Old Dutch

I've started a new job cleaning in a nursing home. I was doing the washing up for a resident one day during my training. When I had walked in I introduced myself and naturally since I have an accent the first question was about where I was from. While we were chatting and I was washing I was looking at one of the framed certificates on the wall in front of me and he saw me noticing it. It was a certificate of appreciation for 40 years of service, and he pointed to his name. I got as far as pronouncing his first name and he seemed pleased that I got it right. He told me that he had played the trumpet in his youth and I told him I had played it as a child, but I'd forgotten how to read sheet music a long time ago.

The following week I was with another of my mentors and we went down for coffee with the other cleaners. The resident I had spoken to was sitting in the cafeteria and he waved and called out to me by name, and said he remembered I was from America. I smiled and said I remembered his name too, and pronounced his first name...and was instantly corrected by my colleague. "No, that's Meneer Van So and So. We only address the residents by their last name.", she said, as we walked to our table. I had made a faux pas.

During the second week I worked with the same colleague and as we walked down to the cafeteria and I saw him sitting there with some other residents and I waved. Once again he addressed me by name, and I stopped myself and asked for his last name because I'd remembered his first name but forgotten his last name. I think it hurt his feelings a little, because I think he was happy to let me call him by his first name and he would have been happy to let me go on doing it...but I also understand the official policy for employees and why they have that rule. It left me kind of stuck in an awkward position, because I think he's a nice old man and if he wants me to call him by his first name, I haven't personally got any objection. I consider it a bit of an honor, actually. But I also have to follow the rules for my job. I think a lot of the reason for that policy is to do with dignity and respect for the residents. I appreciate that as well. If I come to live in a nursing home one day, I hope they care as much about my dignity. In their eyes using first names is being too familiar and risks being disrespectful. It's better to stay on the safe side and use Meneer and Mevrouw.

Another feature of the Dutch language plays into this. The Dutch have two forms of "you". One is formal and the other informal. "Je" is informal. You use that one with friends and people you're on a first-name basis with. With older people and people you don't know, you use "U" and you change the verb form to match. I have trouble remembering it because my language doesn't have that distinction. Because I'm having more contact with elderly people I need to learn to use the formal form of "you". It's another way of showing respect. It's showing respect in Dutch. They all learn it as children. Children here address their elders as "u". If I had been brought up here and I used the wrong form I would get some looks. Sometimes when people switch from using "U" to using "Je" or "Jij", it indicates actual disrespect. You don't make that changeover without the permission of the person in question. They'll tell you, "Zeg maar 'jij'.", and after that you're on a first-name basis and you can say "Jij". Not before.

As for my personal feelings, I enjoyed chatting with him. It made me consider volunteering with the elderly because I find myself liking their company. I'm learning about my new country. They're a treasure trove of information and interesting bits of history and culture. It's fascinating. It makes me realize that I'm not just dealing with one culture in the Netherlands, because the culture the old folks grew up in is not the same as the culture we're living in now. And yet, it's the culture the one we're living in sprang from. I feel as if I could learn so much from them. Their personal stories are interesting too. I actually like hearing the mundane stories of how their mother used to knit them socks or bake bread or how she hung up the wash. I like hearing about what they did for fun when they were young. In more practical terms, speaking Dutch helps me improve my grasp of the language, and the people with the time on their hands to have long conversations are the elderly. I feel a little guilty for not spending more time with my elderly neighbor. I've already had contact with the volunteer organization here when I got a language coach through them. I may talk to them about volunteering later when I have more free time. There's an initiative here to address loneliness among the elderly. Maybe my interest in learning the culture and the language can intersect with helping someone to feel less lonely. I can do a little good for them and myself.